We were blessed to have Toli spend the weekend with us in the apartment. We hadn't heard of anyone else being able to get a weekend pass for their adoptive children, but it never hurts to ask. We seem to have found favor with the orphanage Director and she has been very accommodating. That dozen roses we gave her for National Women's Day when we first arrived probably didn't hurt the cause. We have heard many stories of peoples difficulties while in Ukraine and the adoption process. Live life generously and favor will find you when you need it. The people have been very helpful to us navigating the process, finding a place to stay and getting us around town.
Toli was glad to be out for the weekend. He and his friends say the food isn't very good and I suspect their conditions are Spartan. The staff does the best with what they have to provide the best environment they can, but they certainly have some facilities challenges on their hands. We picked oli up after school and had dinner at the local cafe. We also stopped by the local "mall" and picked up a small Lego jeep kit to put together and some groceries. We spent the evening watching a movies and hanging out. You could tell Toli relished the family time he has had only during the two hosting visits with us over the 6 years he's been in an orphanage.
The rest of the weekend was just life's simple pleasures like lunch at the cafe, buying a book in Russian, the grocery store, walks in the park, more movies, legos, an occasional snowball to the back of the head, feeding pigeons, and some window shopping. The weather is warming which makes for wet walks through the melting snow and runoff. You'd be surprised what the volume of litter that's revealed when the winter snow begins to recede!
The weekend went fast and soon it was time to go back. Surprisingly there were tears. Even though we'd be visiting daily and ask for another visit next weekend, there is no attachment to the orphanage for Toli. I can't say I blame him, but it is what we have to do for now. Soon Toli will walk out of the orphanage for the last time and into a new life full of promise and unconstrained by his circumstances. I know he will miss his good friends, but it will be a great day to get this one little starfish back into the water where he can thrive.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Every Orphan has a Dream
We’ve spent the last couple days visiting Toli in the afternoon. It’s study and homework time for the rest of the kids. Toli says his teacher isn’t worried about his studies since he is leaving which seems to suit him just fine. Some of his friends float in and out of the room where we visit and occasionally one of the ladies who work at the Internat come by and shoo them off.
Apparently Toli lined up a couple of his friends for impromptu “interviews” and the hope that we could help them get some exposure to find a family. Toli has a good heart and is trying to help his friends get connected even though he is almost out himself. His friend Sasha and Ruslan just happen to drop by just about every day so we took their photo and got some basic info via Oksana, our facilitator and translator. Of course they both want to come to America and they both seemed like really nice boys. They spent the time looking at Toli’s photo album and playing some games on the iPad.
Ruslan is 14 and likes math, computer programming, and drawing. His favorite sports are soccer and running. As with most kids here, he dreams of coming to America and having a family. Ruslan is another one of Toli’s good friends and has a good demeanor. He is friendly, polite and enjoys playing iPad games with Toli during our visits. He’s just another one of the many good kids looking for someone to provide him a life changing break.
Sasha is 16 and likes math, history, computer programing and woodwork. He dosen’t care for studying in Ukrainian only because it’s hard (I’m with him on that one). He also likes football and ping pong, but basketball is his favorite sport. He mentioned he is good at technical drawing and would like to have a job related to computer programing or car mechanis. Like most 16 year olds, he loves cars. Toli says Saha is a very good friend and looks after the younger kids. In the two visits he has spent with us, he has had great manners, a kind disposition and very polite. He seems like a normal boy looking for a home.
It is sad that we can’t take them all home. You know that when they come to visit that they are looking for an invite to America. Feel free to pass along the info to anyone you think might be interested in hosting or adopting. We’d be glad to assist them in getting another starfish off the beach. Lisa is the technical expert on the process(I just follow directions-Navy vets are good at that) and can be reached on Facebook or lisarapson@yahoo.com. Photos are attached.
On the way out, we ran into a group of Toli’s friends coming across the courtyard. They were kicking a ragged and partially inflated soccer ball. It is humbling to see people who have so little finding simple pleasures in unlikely places. It's a good reminder that the key to finding joy where you are is all about having realistic expectations and faith that God will provide for your needs (not necessarily wants). The truth is we NEED very little, but tend to want so much. Whenever you’re feeling as if you have an unmet need, just remember that something like 90% of the world’s population has less than even the most modest among us in America. Life isn’t fair, but God is good. One of life’s hardest lessons is being content with what He has provided.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Pictures from our Day in Keiv
Our first day in Ukraine was spent in Keiv. We went to the State Department of Adoptions to officially identify Toli as the child we wished to adopt. The sculptures are from a Ukrainian story. The additonal pictures are of a typical street scene.
More Pictures from the begining of our journey
A couple more pictures from our first couple visits to the Uglegorsk Internat. Toli and his sister, Zhenya and Vladik with their care packages from home, Lisa in front of the Internat.
Groundhog Day
We spend the weekend repeating our cycle of catching-up on e-mail, breakfast, hanging-out, lunch at a local cafe, grocery shopping, visiting Toli, diner and a little Russian TV. Since we are off the tourist destination path, there aren't many people who speak English so we have started playing menu roulette after tiring of pizza and exhausting the few pictures on the menu. Yesterday we scored some salmon soup! It wasn't what I'd have intentionally ordered, but it wasn't bad. Brother, we aren't in 'Nawlins anymore! The people in Ukraine have been very nice, but you can tell they don't get a lot of foreigners out this way and the waiters and waitresses usually draw straws to see who is going to wait on the foreigners since they speak about as much English as we speak Russian.
Our visits with Toli have been nice. The orphanage sets us up in a classroom near the entrance so we haven't had a chance to see much of the common spaces. The building is old and basic, but they seem to keep things very clean. Toli likes to sit on the couch and play games and visit. He usually likes to be close to one of us. If we understood him correctly, no one has came to visit him while he's been there so he's enjoying the time. With visitors. We are always greeted and end our visits with big hugs.
Yesterday we had the chance to visit with some of his friends (Zhenya, Vlad, and Vladik) who were being adopted. We were able to make a few phone calls back to states on Skype to their prospective adoptive parents. It is heart warming to see the hope in these kids lives and sad to see the many others who have not yet been "chosen." They are just kids who want to be loved.
We downloaded a couple apps on the iPad to get a start on learning more English and practicing math. Yesterday he started crying when he got hung up on some multiplication practice. I think he was embarrassed more than anything, but he seemed comforted that it is OK. We reassured him we all have trouble with math and that it just takes some practice. No doubt this is just the first of many frustrations and hurts that have been his life to this point that will need unpacked and addressed as we get to know each other better. Everyone has their gifts and challenges. We spend a lot of time and energy in American education addressing weaknesses rather than building strengths. Toli is a gifted artist, enjoys reading and has a huge heart for giving for a boy who has so little. Our challenge as parents for each of our children is to discover who God has designed them to be and provide a supportive environment where they are not afraid to fail in pursuit of their dreams. He may never be a mathematician, but then again perhaps he will. He's just has a different tract than most American kids, but that will likely become his strength as he draws from experiences no American child would want to have.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Toli's Journey to a Forever Family Begins
This is one orphan’s story about his journey to a family. Not that there is anything particularly noteworthy about this journey, but it is one of thousands that occur every year for the fortunate few out of the millions of orphans worldwide that are waiting for their forever family. We hope to encourage those in the adoption process that there is and end to the process and hope to inspire someone new to join in this awesome life-changing journey.
We've lived a blessed life and God has allowed us to enjoy some success along the way, but nothing in life compares with giving a child hope when there is none and a loving home and stable environment for them to blossom into the person they've been designed to be. Adopted or biological, there is no difference. Every child just wants to be loved. Before we tell the story of where we are, a perspective of where we've been will help frame the journey...
Adoption Rule Number One: One must remember when beginning the adoption ride... It's not about you!
Spring 2011
It all started in the Spring of 2011. We had been leading an adoption interest small group at church when God began to put it on Lisa and my heart that we were to do more than equip and encourage others to adopt. One of the presenters in the curriculum we were using said something that struck me... Adoption isn't about some mission event to save a child, expression of faith or any other altruistic motivation.
As Americans, we tend to over analyze everything and have all the answers before we begin something new. We become paralyzed by the how’s, the how much and all the practical reasons it’s not possible. The reality is that the time is never “right,” you’ll never have the required funds in the bank, there will always be something else which conflicts with your best intentions and it is impossible not to get your hands dirty and avoid a little discomfort.
Adoption, like most of God’s callings, is a different paradigm. You must be in motion and step out in faith for something miraculous to occur. The only question you have to ask yourself is do you have the capacity to love a child. It's that simple. It's all an orphan needs- a family. We had a home and the capacity to love and those are all the prerequisites required for God to begin his work. We were being called back into adoption again.
May 2011
Lisa was first led to New Horizons for Children orphan hosting program after hearing about it from several friends and our adoption group. WWW.newhorizonsforchildren.org, coordinates Summer and Winter hosting periods for school aged children who are currently in orphanages and foster homes in Ukraine and Latvia. Please check out their website for more information about hosting. They are the largest Christian International hosting program in our country and have been successfully coordinating hosting visits for almost 20 years with a passionate purpose of sharing the love of God and the love of family to every orphaned child.
With my 45th birthday fast approaching, I was hoping I didn't have an infant in my future, but I was open to God's direction. After much prayer, we decided to take the next step forward and choose the child that several of us individually had felt led to. His name, Anatoliy (Toli), and he was one of many of the eligible kids who were listed on the New Horizons web site. Even though New Horizons is only a hosting program and not an adoption agency, short of unforeseen problems, we all knew how this would end up. With my retirement from the Navy and Change of Command Ceremony in July during the first of what would be two hosting periods and no new job pending yet, this was not the ideal time for such an undertaking. But if it's God's plan for your life, he will provide the means and work out the details.
Adoption Rule Number Two: Put your big boy pants on, buckle-up, keep you hands and feet inside the ride at all times and don't exit the ride until it comes to a complete stop.
Summer 2011
Toli came to visit us at the end of June and stayed through the beginning of August. All in all it was a pretty successful visit! He only tried to run away from home a couple times, had to be restrained from exiting a moving vehicle by his sister on the way home from church once, Lisa wanted to send him home no less than three times (fortunately for Toli that wasn't an option), he wouldn't eat on occasion, had night terrors and was a prolific pouter. We soon discovered that "no" was a frequent trigger. All that psychology Lisa took in school and Rick's Navy experience was coming in handy. We had more than a couple "talks" about appropriate behavior and expectations which is particularly challenging with a language barrier, but we seemed to fumble through it. The inability to communicate clearly was a big part of the problem. We weren't trained for this, had no experience in this arena, but knew God would lead us to the solution if it was his plan.
Beneath that angry exterior of a little boy, there was a "happy Toli" that would surface who liked to ride bikes, play soccer, go fishing, laugh, joke and snuggle with his "American Mommy." Fortunately he got along great with his prospective brothers and sisters. The ratio of good to bad days was about 50-50. Progress was incremental, but there was hope that under his sometimes bristly exterior, there was a little boy who wanted to be part of a family more than anything. He just wasn’t equipped to express his frustrations appropriately. You just have to hold them tight and pour life into them. In this case it was all about unconditional love.
God's lesson for us during this visit was all about grace. He's given it to us and now we had a chance to prove we give it back. Trust me on this one, true grace is much easier to receive than to give. Toli's first visit ended with tearful goodbyes at the airport. We had connected. The hardest part about the whole visit was not being able to mention adoption (part of the hosting rules) to Toli while he was here. Just that little bit of hope and the commitment from us would have likely changed Toli’s approach to us. Knowing he had to return to his orphanage without hope for the future, was harder than dealing with the behavioral challenges.
Adoption Rule Number Three: It will take longer, cost a little more and be more complicated than you initially expect. You're on God's schedule now! (As a reformed control freak and "fixer"(a career in the Navy will do that to you), this part will hurt if you try to hold the reins to tight. Take a couple deep breaths, give yourself 24 hours to be disappointed in the process, turn the details over to God and refer Adoption Rule Number One.)
August- September 2011
Before Toli left, we decided to move forward with the adoption home study and expedite the process so we could take advantage of Rick's break between his Navy retirement and his follow on career which was yet to be identified. If all went well, we would travel in November and be home by Christmas (at this point I needed to refresh myself with Rule Number Three). Of course it didn't take long before we had to make multiple trips to Baton Rouge to get the correct version of our background investigation done, wrangle with our doctors to get our physicals in the right format and with the needed information. Then one of our documents was rejected in the Ukraine for a clerical error and had to be redone. Then the Ukraine State Adoption Agency reorganized and much of our adoption dossier had to be redone with the new forms. Valuable time was slipping away.
November 2011
November 1st, Rick's accrued vacation time and paycheck ran out. On November 4th, we had our final interview with Chick-fil-A and Rick was selected to be a franchise operator. It was awesome to be selected, but that also meant no income until the May 2012. Unlike the government, in the real world you only get paid for doing something and our something doesn’t start until April, but God will provide. With 7 weeks of training, starting January 2nd, we really needed to get this adoption completed as soon as possible, refer to Rule Number Three. With the possibility of adopting by 2011 slipping away, we would need to host Toli for the Winter session from mid December to Mid January.
December 2011
Toli's second visit went much better, no runaway attempts or mega meltdowns. The initial adjustment period was much shorter. There was the occasional mini hunger strike and pouting session, but the good to bad ratio had improved to about 80-20 and his English had improved noticeably. Preparing for Christmas and then Christmas was particularly enjoyable knowing this was something he hadn't experienced in the 6 years he'd been in the orphanage, if ever. We worked in some soccer, football, go carts, mini golf, bike riding, bowling and a few other outings. After Christmas Alex, our son, and Toli spent quite a bit of time riding their new electric scooters. Although not without its occasional challenges, this hosting period was a blessing and confirmation that Toli was to be our son.
February 2011
On February 13th we found out that we had been assigned our initial appointment at the State Adoption Agency in Ukraine on 5 March. The heavy lifting was upon us and we had 2 weeks to arrange our parents to watch the kids and gather up our things.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
We departed New Orleans March 3rd for Ukraine via Washington DC and Frankfurt before arriving in Kiev after an all night flight on Lufthansa. Alex (the Kiev facilitator) picked us up at the airport and we drove into Keiv to check into our apartment with quick orientation of the area. We had time to grab some dinner hit the local grocery store. Tomorrow we have our appointment at the State Adoption Agency in the morning.
Our appointment at the SDA went well. It was very short and didn’t take very long. They asked us why we were here and who we were here to adopt. After a few minutes to find Toli’s file, we were able to get the initial paperwork completed. Toli has a sister somewhere, but there was no file on her and she was likely not available for adoption. We knew this going in and were holding our breath that this would not complicate the process. Surprisingly, there was little mention of her or follow-up. That was a relief.
At the SDA, there was a bookcase full of three ring binders that held the single page and picture of each child. It is sad to think about each one being a child looking for a family. There was one less page in the binders, but the bookcase didn’t look any different. It reminded me of the starfish story. For those not familiar, it is included below.
The Starfish Story by: Loren Eisley
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, What are you doing?
The youth replied, Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.
Son, the man said, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said;
I made a difference for that one.
We’d need to come back at the end of the day to pick-up the approval letter to take to the regional social worker office so we can get our starfish back in the water!
After getting our paperwork from the SDA, we went to the train station to grab our night train to Donesk. We departed Kiev about 7 pm Monday night after a snack at McFoxy's( a McDonalds rip-off). We started the night riding the Ukrainian version of the Polar Express, a bumpy train through the snow. Fortunately my Navy experience prepared me for sleeping on a bumpy train as that is easier than a ship going through a big storm. Lisa unfortunately didn't have such a valuable life skill and got no sleep.
When One becomes Two
We arrived in Donesk about 7 am Tuesday and went by a real McDonalds for a Ruski McMuffin while we were waiting for our translator/facilitator to arrive by bus. Then it was off to the regional social worker office. After a few animated phone calls that we couldn’t understand, they told us his sister was available and healthy in another orphanage about 100 km away and a flurry of phone calls ensued. Her orphanage director said she was a model child and thought she would want adopted. Whoa! That wasn’t part of the plan! Our inner reaction was a bit of shock as we were led to believe that Toli’s sister was not available for adoption, but we go where we’re led.
Never let the paint dry on your picture while adopting (or life in general), it will need to be reworked over and over again. Like the Italian masters who painted overtop old paintings, we find ourselves constantly reworking the Rapson family painting as God provides us direction that wasn’t in MY version of my painting. I spent most of my life trying to make my life match the picture: the career, the house, the family, the 401k, college savings, etc. I now wonder how many opportunities I missed along the way because I wasn’t looking for unexpected opportunities. Unexpected opportunities to make an impact and lead a life of significance are everywhere, but you have to remove your blinders, look around and be receptive to what God has in HIS plan for you.
And the adventure begins...see adoption rule number two.
Adoption Rule Number Four: Don’t panic. Things tend to be fluid so bad news isn’t always the final word. You have to trust that God will bring you to where you need to be.
From the social worker’s office, we went to Toli's Internat (boarding school, aka orphanage) and met his Director and Toli. By this time his sister's Director called to say she had been told we were here for Toli and willing to adopt her also. Not surprisingly for a 15 year old girl processing such news out of the blue, she was upset as she had heard the rumors that people get adopted for their organs. Her Director thought a visit with Toli might be best so we loaded up and drove 2 1/2 hrs over potholes to her orphanage. After a tearful reunion with Toli, she made it clear that she did not want to be adopted and that she didn't want Toli to go either.
It was an interesting couple hours as we moved from no eye contact and tears to hugs at the end. She still didn't want to go as she had her friends, plans for trade school and a job in the factory. Who could pass up all that!? She seemed like a nice girl as we shared some pictures and a bit about ourselves. I think Toli told her we were not bad folks and set her at ease. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the situation as I think he realized that his future was potentially in jeopardy.
Her orphanage staff tried their best to talk her into going with us, but got her to sign a letter that she didn't want to be adopted and didn't oppose Toli's adoption. We exchanged addresses and e-mail and even offered to host her later. She seemed OK with being able to maintain contact with Toli. Toli gave her his mp3 player, a candy bar and his gum as it was her birthday the day before. So we left again for the trek back to Toli's internat. We stopped for pirogues for dinner in Donesk with Toli at a cafeteria before dropping him off about 8 pm. Then we checked into a hotel to get some rest after a long and emotionally taxing day.
Beating the Rush
This morning,7 March, we are going to do more paperwork that can be done pending the separation authorization for Toli and his sister that must be given before the adoption can proceed. It is a four day holiday this weekend for Women’s Day (sounds like a Valentine’s Day type holiday with lots of flowers and gifts). And everyone is done by lunch.
We stopped by Toli’s orphanage to get a piece of paperwork the Director endorsed, went by the notary to get our adoption petition certified. A commission must meet to grant the separation of siblings. Apparently they just met for their monthly meeting, but the social workers have 10 days to forward the adoption request so we are hoping for action next week. Please pray for our favor during this process. No one is opposing the adoption, but nothing is a slam dunk around here.
The Waiting Begins
For the weekend, we are settling into the routine of a daily visit to Toli’s Internat. Today, 8 March, we were able to spend a couple hours with Toli, and a few of his friends Vlad, Vladik and Zhenya. We brought several care packages with us from their prospective adoptive families and the boys seemed glad to receive them. We spend the time looking over a few photos, played Uno and connect four, and the boys mysteriously gravitated to the iPad like moths to light. It was a nice visit with the kids. We made arrangements to return tomorrow after lunch.
We've lived a blessed life and God has allowed us to enjoy some success along the way, but nothing in life compares with giving a child hope when there is none and a loving home and stable environment for them to blossom into the person they've been designed to be. Adopted or biological, there is no difference. Every child just wants to be loved. Before we tell the story of where we are, a perspective of where we've been will help frame the journey...
Adoption Rule Number One: One must remember when beginning the adoption ride... It's not about you!
Spring 2011
It all started in the Spring of 2011. We had been leading an adoption interest small group at church when God began to put it on Lisa and my heart that we were to do more than equip and encourage others to adopt. One of the presenters in the curriculum we were using said something that struck me... Adoption isn't about some mission event to save a child, expression of faith or any other altruistic motivation.
As Americans, we tend to over analyze everything and have all the answers before we begin something new. We become paralyzed by the how’s, the how much and all the practical reasons it’s not possible. The reality is that the time is never “right,” you’ll never have the required funds in the bank, there will always be something else which conflicts with your best intentions and it is impossible not to get your hands dirty and avoid a little discomfort.
Adoption, like most of God’s callings, is a different paradigm. You must be in motion and step out in faith for something miraculous to occur. The only question you have to ask yourself is do you have the capacity to love a child. It's that simple. It's all an orphan needs- a family. We had a home and the capacity to love and those are all the prerequisites required for God to begin his work. We were being called back into adoption again.
May 2011
Lisa was first led to New Horizons for Children orphan hosting program after hearing about it from several friends and our adoption group. WWW.newhorizonsforchildren.org, coordinates Summer and Winter hosting periods for school aged children who are currently in orphanages and foster homes in Ukraine and Latvia. Please check out their website for more information about hosting. They are the largest Christian International hosting program in our country and have been successfully coordinating hosting visits for almost 20 years with a passionate purpose of sharing the love of God and the love of family to every orphaned child.
With my 45th birthday fast approaching, I was hoping I didn't have an infant in my future, but I was open to God's direction. After much prayer, we decided to take the next step forward and choose the child that several of us individually had felt led to. His name, Anatoliy (Toli), and he was one of many of the eligible kids who were listed on the New Horizons web site. Even though New Horizons is only a hosting program and not an adoption agency, short of unforeseen problems, we all knew how this would end up. With my retirement from the Navy and Change of Command Ceremony in July during the first of what would be two hosting periods and no new job pending yet, this was not the ideal time for such an undertaking. But if it's God's plan for your life, he will provide the means and work out the details.
Adoption Rule Number Two: Put your big boy pants on, buckle-up, keep you hands and feet inside the ride at all times and don't exit the ride until it comes to a complete stop.
Summer 2011
Toli came to visit us at the end of June and stayed through the beginning of August. All in all it was a pretty successful visit! He only tried to run away from home a couple times, had to be restrained from exiting a moving vehicle by his sister on the way home from church once, Lisa wanted to send him home no less than three times (fortunately for Toli that wasn't an option), he wouldn't eat on occasion, had night terrors and was a prolific pouter. We soon discovered that "no" was a frequent trigger. All that psychology Lisa took in school and Rick's Navy experience was coming in handy. We had more than a couple "talks" about appropriate behavior and expectations which is particularly challenging with a language barrier, but we seemed to fumble through it. The inability to communicate clearly was a big part of the problem. We weren't trained for this, had no experience in this arena, but knew God would lead us to the solution if it was his plan.
Beneath that angry exterior of a little boy, there was a "happy Toli" that would surface who liked to ride bikes, play soccer, go fishing, laugh, joke and snuggle with his "American Mommy." Fortunately he got along great with his prospective brothers and sisters. The ratio of good to bad days was about 50-50. Progress was incremental, but there was hope that under his sometimes bristly exterior, there was a little boy who wanted to be part of a family more than anything. He just wasn’t equipped to express his frustrations appropriately. You just have to hold them tight and pour life into them. In this case it was all about unconditional love.
God's lesson for us during this visit was all about grace. He's given it to us and now we had a chance to prove we give it back. Trust me on this one, true grace is much easier to receive than to give. Toli's first visit ended with tearful goodbyes at the airport. We had connected. The hardest part about the whole visit was not being able to mention adoption (part of the hosting rules) to Toli while he was here. Just that little bit of hope and the commitment from us would have likely changed Toli’s approach to us. Knowing he had to return to his orphanage without hope for the future, was harder than dealing with the behavioral challenges.
Adoption Rule Number Three: It will take longer, cost a little more and be more complicated than you initially expect. You're on God's schedule now! (As a reformed control freak and "fixer"(a career in the Navy will do that to you), this part will hurt if you try to hold the reins to tight. Take a couple deep breaths, give yourself 24 hours to be disappointed in the process, turn the details over to God and refer Adoption Rule Number One.)
August- September 2011
Before Toli left, we decided to move forward with the adoption home study and expedite the process so we could take advantage of Rick's break between his Navy retirement and his follow on career which was yet to be identified. If all went well, we would travel in November and be home by Christmas (at this point I needed to refresh myself with Rule Number Three). Of course it didn't take long before we had to make multiple trips to Baton Rouge to get the correct version of our background investigation done, wrangle with our doctors to get our physicals in the right format and with the needed information. Then one of our documents was rejected in the Ukraine for a clerical error and had to be redone. Then the Ukraine State Adoption Agency reorganized and much of our adoption dossier had to be redone with the new forms. Valuable time was slipping away.
November 2011
November 1st, Rick's accrued vacation time and paycheck ran out. On November 4th, we had our final interview with Chick-fil-A and Rick was selected to be a franchise operator. It was awesome to be selected, but that also meant no income until the May 2012. Unlike the government, in the real world you only get paid for doing something and our something doesn’t start until April, but God will provide. With 7 weeks of training, starting January 2nd, we really needed to get this adoption completed as soon as possible, refer to Rule Number Three. With the possibility of adopting by 2011 slipping away, we would need to host Toli for the Winter session from mid December to Mid January.
December 2011
Toli's second visit went much better, no runaway attempts or mega meltdowns. The initial adjustment period was much shorter. There was the occasional mini hunger strike and pouting session, but the good to bad ratio had improved to about 80-20 and his English had improved noticeably. Preparing for Christmas and then Christmas was particularly enjoyable knowing this was something he hadn't experienced in the 6 years he'd been in the orphanage, if ever. We worked in some soccer, football, go carts, mini golf, bike riding, bowling and a few other outings. After Christmas Alex, our son, and Toli spent quite a bit of time riding their new electric scooters. Although not without its occasional challenges, this hosting period was a blessing and confirmation that Toli was to be our son.
February 2011
On February 13th we found out that we had been assigned our initial appointment at the State Adoption Agency in Ukraine on 5 March. The heavy lifting was upon us and we had 2 weeks to arrange our parents to watch the kids and gather up our things.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
We departed New Orleans March 3rd for Ukraine via Washington DC and Frankfurt before arriving in Kiev after an all night flight on Lufthansa. Alex (the Kiev facilitator) picked us up at the airport and we drove into Keiv to check into our apartment with quick orientation of the area. We had time to grab some dinner hit the local grocery store. Tomorrow we have our appointment at the State Adoption Agency in the morning.
Our appointment at the SDA went well. It was very short and didn’t take very long. They asked us why we were here and who we were here to adopt. After a few minutes to find Toli’s file, we were able to get the initial paperwork completed. Toli has a sister somewhere, but there was no file on her and she was likely not available for adoption. We knew this going in and were holding our breath that this would not complicate the process. Surprisingly, there was little mention of her or follow-up. That was a relief.
At the SDA, there was a bookcase full of three ring binders that held the single page and picture of each child. It is sad to think about each one being a child looking for a family. There was one less page in the binders, but the bookcase didn’t look any different. It reminded me of the starfish story. For those not familiar, it is included below.
The Starfish Story by: Loren Eisley
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, What are you doing?
The youth replied, Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.
Son, the man said, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said;
I made a difference for that one.
We’d need to come back at the end of the day to pick-up the approval letter to take to the regional social worker office so we can get our starfish back in the water!
After getting our paperwork from the SDA, we went to the train station to grab our night train to Donesk. We departed Kiev about 7 pm Monday night after a snack at McFoxy's( a McDonalds rip-off). We started the night riding the Ukrainian version of the Polar Express, a bumpy train through the snow. Fortunately my Navy experience prepared me for sleeping on a bumpy train as that is easier than a ship going through a big storm. Lisa unfortunately didn't have such a valuable life skill and got no sleep.
When One becomes Two
We arrived in Donesk about 7 am Tuesday and went by a real McDonalds for a Ruski McMuffin while we were waiting for our translator/facilitator to arrive by bus. Then it was off to the regional social worker office. After a few animated phone calls that we couldn’t understand, they told us his sister was available and healthy in another orphanage about 100 km away and a flurry of phone calls ensued. Her orphanage director said she was a model child and thought she would want adopted. Whoa! That wasn’t part of the plan! Our inner reaction was a bit of shock as we were led to believe that Toli’s sister was not available for adoption, but we go where we’re led.
Never let the paint dry on your picture while adopting (or life in general), it will need to be reworked over and over again. Like the Italian masters who painted overtop old paintings, we find ourselves constantly reworking the Rapson family painting as God provides us direction that wasn’t in MY version of my painting. I spent most of my life trying to make my life match the picture: the career, the house, the family, the 401k, college savings, etc. I now wonder how many opportunities I missed along the way because I wasn’t looking for unexpected opportunities. Unexpected opportunities to make an impact and lead a life of significance are everywhere, but you have to remove your blinders, look around and be receptive to what God has in HIS plan for you.
And the adventure begins...see adoption rule number two.
Adoption Rule Number Four: Don’t panic. Things tend to be fluid so bad news isn’t always the final word. You have to trust that God will bring you to where you need to be.
From the social worker’s office, we went to Toli's Internat (boarding school, aka orphanage) and met his Director and Toli. By this time his sister's Director called to say she had been told we were here for Toli and willing to adopt her also. Not surprisingly for a 15 year old girl processing such news out of the blue, she was upset as she had heard the rumors that people get adopted for their organs. Her Director thought a visit with Toli might be best so we loaded up and drove 2 1/2 hrs over potholes to her orphanage. After a tearful reunion with Toli, she made it clear that she did not want to be adopted and that she didn't want Toli to go either.
It was an interesting couple hours as we moved from no eye contact and tears to hugs at the end. She still didn't want to go as she had her friends, plans for trade school and a job in the factory. Who could pass up all that!? She seemed like a nice girl as we shared some pictures and a bit about ourselves. I think Toli told her we were not bad folks and set her at ease. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the situation as I think he realized that his future was potentially in jeopardy.
Her orphanage staff tried their best to talk her into going with us, but got her to sign a letter that she didn't want to be adopted and didn't oppose Toli's adoption. We exchanged addresses and e-mail and even offered to host her later. She seemed OK with being able to maintain contact with Toli. Toli gave her his mp3 player, a candy bar and his gum as it was her birthday the day before. So we left again for the trek back to Toli's internat. We stopped for pirogues for dinner in Donesk with Toli at a cafeteria before dropping him off about 8 pm. Then we checked into a hotel to get some rest after a long and emotionally taxing day.
Beating the Rush
This morning,7 March, we are going to do more paperwork that can be done pending the separation authorization for Toli and his sister that must be given before the adoption can proceed. It is a four day holiday this weekend for Women’s Day (sounds like a Valentine’s Day type holiday with lots of flowers and gifts). And everyone is done by lunch.
We stopped by Toli’s orphanage to get a piece of paperwork the Director endorsed, went by the notary to get our adoption petition certified. A commission must meet to grant the separation of siblings. Apparently they just met for their monthly meeting, but the social workers have 10 days to forward the adoption request so we are hoping for action next week. Please pray for our favor during this process. No one is opposing the adoption, but nothing is a slam dunk around here.
The Waiting Begins
For the weekend, we are settling into the routine of a daily visit to Toli’s Internat. Today, 8 March, we were able to spend a couple hours with Toli, and a few of his friends Vlad, Vladik and Zhenya. We brought several care packages with us from their prospective adoptive families and the boys seemed glad to receive them. We spend the time looking over a few photos, played Uno and connect four, and the boys mysteriously gravitated to the iPad like moths to light. It was a nice visit with the kids. We made arrangements to return tomorrow after lunch.
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