Toli's Journey to a Forever Family Begins

This is one orphan’s story about his journey to a family. Not that there is anything particularly noteworthy about this journey, but it is one of thousands that occur every year for the fortunate few out of the millions of orphans worldwide that are waiting for their forever family. We hope to encourage those in the adoption process that there is and end to the process and hope to inspire someone new to join in this awesome life-changing journey.
We've lived a blessed life and God has allowed us to enjoy some success along the way, but nothing in life compares with giving a child hope when there is none and a loving home and stable environment for them to blossom into the person they've been designed to be. Adopted or biological, there is no difference. Every child just wants to be loved. Before we tell the story of where we are, a perspective of where we've been will help frame the journey...

Adoption Rule Number One: One must remember when beginning the adoption ride... It's not about you!

Spring 2011

It all started in the Spring of 2011. We had been leading an adoption interest small group at church when God began to put it on Lisa and my heart that we were to do more than equip and encourage others to adopt. One of the presenters in the curriculum we were using said something that struck me... Adoption isn't about some mission event to save a child, expression of faith or any other altruistic motivation.
As Americans, we tend to over analyze everything and have all the answers before we begin something new. We become paralyzed by the how’s, the how much and all the practical reasons it’s not possible. The reality is that the time is never “right,” you’ll never have the required funds in the bank, there will always be something else which conflicts with your best intentions and it is impossible not to get your hands dirty and avoid a little discomfort.
Adoption, like most of God’s callings, is a different paradigm. You must be in motion and step out in faith for something miraculous to occur. The only question you have to ask yourself is do you have the capacity to love a child. It's that simple. It's all an orphan needs- a family. We had a home and the capacity to love and those are all the prerequisites required for God to begin his work. We were being called back into adoption again.

May 2011

Lisa was first led to New Horizons for Children orphan hosting program after hearing about it from several friends and our adoption group. WWW.newhorizonsforchildren.org, coordinates Summer and Winter hosting periods for school aged children who are currently in orphanages and foster homes in Ukraine and Latvia. Please check out their website for more information about hosting. They are the largest Christian International hosting program in our country and have been successfully coordinating hosting visits for almost 20 years with a passionate purpose of sharing the love of God and the love of family to every orphaned child.

With my 45th birthday fast approaching, I was hoping I didn't have an infant in my future, but I was open to God's direction. After much prayer, we decided to take the next step forward and choose the child that several of us individually had felt led to. His name, Anatoliy (Toli), and he was one of many of the eligible kids who were listed on the New Horizons web site. Even though New Horizons is only a hosting program and not an adoption agency, short of unforeseen problems, we all knew how this would end up. With my retirement from the Navy and Change of Command Ceremony in July during the first of what would be two hosting periods and no new job pending yet, this was not the ideal time for such an undertaking. But if it's God's plan for your life, he will provide the means and work out the details.

Adoption Rule Number Two: Put your big boy pants on, buckle-up, keep you hands and feet inside the ride at all times and don't exit the ride until it comes to a complete stop.

Summer 2011

Toli came to visit us at the end of June and stayed through the beginning of August. All in all it was a pretty successful visit! He only tried to run away from home a couple times, had to be restrained from exiting a moving vehicle by his sister on the way home from church once, Lisa wanted to send him home no less than three times (fortunately for Toli that wasn't an option), he wouldn't eat on occasion, had night terrors and was a prolific pouter. We soon discovered that "no" was a frequent trigger. All that psychology Lisa took in school and Rick's Navy experience was coming in handy. We had more than a couple "talks" about appropriate behavior and expectations which is particularly challenging with a language barrier, but we seemed to fumble through it. The inability to communicate clearly was a big part of the problem. We weren't trained for this, had no experience in this arena, but knew God would lead us to the solution if it was his plan.
Beneath that angry exterior of a little boy, there was a "happy Toli" that would surface who liked to ride bikes, play soccer, go fishing, laugh, joke and snuggle with his "American Mommy." Fortunately he got along great with his prospective brothers and sisters. The ratio of good to bad days was about 50-50. Progress was incremental, but there was hope that under his sometimes bristly exterior, there was a little boy who wanted to be part of a family more than anything. He just wasn’t equipped to express his frustrations appropriately. You just have to hold them tight and pour life into them. In this case it was all about unconditional love.
God's lesson for us during this visit was all about grace. He's given it to us and now we had a chance to prove we give it back. Trust me on this one, true grace is much easier to receive than to give. Toli's first visit ended with tearful goodbyes at the airport. We had connected. The hardest part about the whole visit was not being able to mention adoption (part of the hosting rules) to Toli while he was here. Just that little bit of hope and the commitment from us would have likely changed Toli’s approach to us. Knowing he had to return to his orphanage without hope for the future, was harder than dealing with the behavioral challenges.

Adoption Rule Number Three: It will take longer, cost a little more and be more complicated than you initially expect. You're on God's schedule now! (As a reformed control freak and "fixer"(a career in the Navy will do that to you), this part will hurt if you try to hold the reins to tight. Take a couple deep breaths, give yourself 24 hours to be disappointed in the process, turn the details over to God and refer Adoption Rule Number One.)

August- September 2011

Before Toli left, we decided to move forward with the adoption home study and expedite the process so we could take advantage of Rick's break between his Navy retirement and his follow on career which was yet to be identified. If all went well, we would travel in November and be home by Christmas (at this point I needed to refresh myself with Rule Number Three). Of course it didn't take long before we had to make multiple trips to Baton Rouge to get the correct version of our background investigation done, wrangle with our doctors to get our physicals in the right format and with the needed information. Then one of our documents was rejected in the Ukraine for a clerical error and had to be redone. Then the Ukraine State Adoption Agency reorganized and much of our adoption dossier had to be redone with the new forms. Valuable time was slipping away.

November 2011

November 1st, Rick's accrued vacation time and paycheck ran out. On November 4th, we had our final interview with Chick-fil-A and Rick was selected to be a franchise operator. It was awesome to be selected, but that also meant no income until the May 2012. Unlike the government, in the real world you only get paid for doing something and our something doesn’t start until April, but God will provide. With 7 weeks of training, starting January 2nd, we really needed to get this adoption completed as soon as possible, refer to Rule Number Three. With the possibility of adopting by 2011 slipping away, we would need to host Toli for the Winter session from mid December to Mid January.

December 2011

Toli's second visit went much better, no runaway attempts or mega meltdowns. The initial adjustment period was much shorter. There was the occasional mini hunger strike and pouting session, but the good to bad ratio had improved to about 80-20 and his English had improved noticeably. Preparing for Christmas and then Christmas was particularly enjoyable knowing this was something he hadn't experienced in the 6 years he'd been in the orphanage, if ever. We worked in some soccer, football, go carts, mini golf, bike riding, bowling and a few other outings. After Christmas Alex, our son, and Toli spent quite a bit of time riding their new electric scooters. Although not without its occasional challenges, this hosting period was a blessing and confirmation that Toli was to be our son.

February 2011

On February 13th we found out that we had been assigned our initial appointment at the State Adoption Agency in Ukraine on 5 March. The heavy lifting was upon us and we had 2 weeks to arrange our parents to watch the kids and gather up our things.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

We departed New Orleans March 3rd for Ukraine via Washington DC and Frankfurt before arriving in Kiev after an all night flight on Lufthansa. Alex (the Kiev facilitator) picked us up at the airport and we drove into Keiv to check into our apartment with quick orientation of the area. We had time to grab some dinner hit the local grocery store. Tomorrow we have our appointment at the State Adoption Agency in the morning.
Our appointment at the SDA went well. It was very short and didn’t take very long. They asked us why we were here and who we were here to adopt. After a few minutes to find Toli’s file, we were able to get the initial paperwork completed. Toli has a sister somewhere, but there was no file on her and she was likely not available for adoption. We knew this going in and were holding our breath that this would not complicate the process. Surprisingly, there was little mention of her or follow-up. That was a relief.
At the SDA, there was a bookcase full of three ring binders that held the single page and picture of each child. It is sad to think about each one being a child looking for a family. There was one less page in the binders, but the bookcase didn’t look any different. It reminded me of the starfish story. For those not familiar, it is included below.
The Starfish Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, What are you doing?
The youth replied, Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.
Son, the man said, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said;
I made a difference for that one.

We’d need to come back at the end of the day to pick-up the approval letter to take to the regional social worker office so we can get our starfish back in the water!
After getting our paperwork from the SDA, we went to the train station to grab our night train to Donesk. We departed Kiev about 7 pm Monday night after a snack at McFoxy's( a McDonalds rip-off). We started the night riding the Ukrainian version of the Polar Express, a bumpy train through the snow. Fortunately my Navy experience prepared me for sleeping on a bumpy train as that is easier than a ship going through a big storm. Lisa unfortunately didn't have such a valuable life skill and got no sleep.

When One becomes Two

We arrived in Donesk about 7 am Tuesday and went by a real McDonalds for a Ruski McMuffin while we were waiting for our translator/facilitator to arrive by bus. Then it was off to the regional social worker office. After a few animated phone calls that we couldn’t understand, they told us his sister was available and healthy in another orphanage about 100 km away and a flurry of phone calls ensued. Her orphanage director said she was a model child and thought she would want adopted. Whoa! That wasn’t part of the plan! Our inner reaction was a bit of shock as we were led to believe that Toli’s sister was not available for adoption, but we go where we’re led.
Never let the paint dry on your picture while adopting (or life in general), it will need to be reworked over and over again. Like the Italian masters who painted overtop old paintings, we find ourselves constantly reworking the Rapson family painting as God provides us direction that wasn’t in MY version of my painting. I spent most of my life trying to make my life match the picture: the career, the house, the family, the 401k, college savings, etc. I now wonder how many opportunities I missed along the way because I wasn’t looking for unexpected opportunities. Unexpected opportunities to make an impact and lead a life of significance are everywhere, but you have to remove your blinders, look around and be receptive to what God has in HIS plan for you.
And the adventure begins...see adoption rule number two.

Adoption Rule Number Four: Don’t panic. Things tend to be fluid so bad news isn’t always the final word. You have to trust that God will bring you to where you need to be.

From the social worker’s office, we went to Toli's Internat (boarding school, aka orphanage) and met his Director and Toli. By this time his sister's Director called to say she had been told we were here for Toli and willing to adopt her also. Not surprisingly for a 15 year old girl processing such news out of the blue, she was upset as she had heard the rumors that people get adopted for their organs. Her Director thought a visit with Toli might be best so we loaded up and drove 2 1/2 hrs over potholes to her orphanage. After a tearful reunion with Toli, she made it clear that she did not want to be adopted and that she didn't want Toli to go either.
It was an interesting couple hours as we moved from no eye contact and tears to hugs at the end. She still didn't want to go as she had her friends, plans for trade school and a job in the factory. Who could pass up all that!? She seemed like a nice girl as we shared some pictures and a bit about ourselves. I think Toli told her we were not bad folks and set her at ease. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the situation as I think he realized that his future was potentially in jeopardy.
Her orphanage staff tried their best to talk her into going with us, but got her to sign a letter that she didn't want to be adopted and didn't oppose Toli's adoption. We exchanged addresses and e-mail and even offered to host her later. She seemed OK with being able to maintain contact with Toli. Toli gave her his mp3 player, a candy bar and his gum as it was her birthday the day before. So we left again for the trek back to Toli's internat. We stopped for pirogues for dinner in Donesk with Toli at a cafeteria before dropping him off about 8 pm. Then we checked into a hotel to get some rest after a long and emotionally taxing day.

Beating the Rush

This morning,7 March, we are going to do more paperwork that can be done pending the separation authorization for Toli and his sister that must be given before the adoption can proceed. It is a four day holiday this weekend for Women’s Day (sounds like a Valentine’s Day type holiday with lots of flowers and gifts). And everyone is done by lunch.
We stopped by Toli’s orphanage to get a piece of paperwork the Director endorsed, went by the notary to get our adoption petition certified. A commission must meet to grant the separation of siblings. Apparently they just met for their monthly meeting, but the social workers have 10 days to forward the adoption request so we are hoping for action next week. Please pray for our favor during this process. No one is opposing the adoption, but nothing is a slam dunk around here.

The Waiting Begins

For the weekend, we are settling into the routine of a daily visit to Toli’s Internat. Today, 8 March, we were able to spend a couple hours with Toli, and a few of his friends Vlad, Vladik and Zhenya. We brought several care packages with us from their prospective adoptive families and the boys seemed glad to receive them. We spend the time looking over a few photos, played Uno and connect four, and the boys mysteriously gravitated to the iPad like moths to light. It was a nice visit with the kids. We made arrangements to return tomorrow after lunch.